Month End Funnies: I Have an Irrational Fear of Zombies and am Buying a House. Any Advice?

Dear Jon,

I have an irrational fear of zombies. I am buying a new house, and don’t know what I should. I want to protect my family from the elements as well as the impending apocalypse. I’d also like to provide them with a good home, without sacrificing the basic comforts of home. I’d like all this, but don’t even know the minimum height that the concrete wall around the back yard should be. Please help!


Apocalyptic Annie

Dear Annie,

I’m so glad you reached out. The last thing anyone should be without is a secure home. We all want the piece of mind in knowing that our family will be safe, even if that safety is from the undead horde. Let’s make no mistake though, the eternal feeders bring with them much greater dangers than your common burglar or pesky kids selling popcorn. You’ll need to have a much more developed security plan than high walls, which I will outline for you. Don’t feel bad, not everyone thinks about this stuff. Frankly, I’m just proud that you cared enough to ask an honored that you would put the future of your family in my hands. Having said that…

The first thing I would advise you in is that you need to rethink your concrete wall strategy. Perimeter walls are a crutch and a waste of money if you haven’t already installed the collapsible window and door fortifications.

This is the Safe House by Polish architect Robert Konieczny of KWK Promes. It’s a fortress. There really isn’t another word for it. The Safe House is a giant concrete cube whose walls were designed to move, collapse and secure in the event of, well… it doesn’t really matter what, you’re going to be fine.

Yeah, and it isn’t the old musty sort of fortress we all knew growing up. Yeah sure it has all fundamentals of a quality castle, collapsible drawbridge, courtyard (which doubles as a detainment and quarantine area) and your walls by the way, but it also comes with a lovely patio, steel kitchen appliances and even an indoor pool. Also, as a bonus its massive concrete walls make it incredibly energy efficient, so that after the horde dies off, the environment doesn’t as well.

Honestly we should have seen this coming from Poland. I guess it really takes someone raised in a place with a history of being literally the first place where the world goes to hell in a handbasket time after time after time to be where someone would invent the first truly zombie horde proof home.

And yes… it’s real:

And if that isn’t really enough evidence, a wall won’t help you no matter how high it is. According to Max Brooks, author of the Zombie Survival Guide, says that if zombies really set their minds to something, err… minds… either way, if they really set their minds to overcoming an obstacle they’ll just climb over one another in some sloppy random fashion of a pile until your barbecue is burned.

Don’t you let anyone make fun of you Annie. Irrational fears are only irrational until they aren’t and then who’s laughing? You’re doing the right thing in being prepared. After all, a man’s home is his castle and if your castle doesn’t have a collapsible drawbridge, then you don’t love your family. Best of luck Annie!

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